The Mystery of Your Gift

A single note passes out of the ashes
A flickering ember begins
It’s the courage to turn when the pages have burned
And your story now seems at an end
Seasons stay and seasons go
Sending your memories adrift
It’s the beautiful longing, embrace the unknown
That’s the mystery of your gift

Brin Byrne & Josh Groban

These words really sum up a lot of my experience. As a kid, you often have so much faith and are fearless in many ways. Life hasn’t hardened you by rejection, humiliation, and trauma. But then, life happens.

There was a scarring incident as a kid when a case of acid reflux was misdiagnosed as nodules and I thought my dreams were over – fear became a normal part of my vocal journey after that. In university, there were encouraging voices that tried to lift me up and help me grow, but being a kid who just wanted to please everyone, the negative voices seemed louder, and man did they hurt!

Being exposed to different kinds of music was incredible but I lost myself a bit, especially when it came to living up to the perceived notion I had of opera. I have so much admiration and respect for opera singers, it just wasn’t a box I fit into, and trying to make myself fit only amplified the feelings of inadequacy.

I will always own the fact of not being a technically perfect singer. What you get instead is a lot of passion and joy for music, an intense if brief flame. My college choir professor would try to temper behavior like this with the wise phrase “Passion with dignity” but it’s a concept that has yet to be wholly inhabited.

Vocal injury has been part of my story and I plan to share more about that and how we should normalize injuries the way they are in other sports, but that’s a separate story and issue that needs space to breathe so today I’m just going to share about my most recent episode.

In 2020 I got covid as many others did. As a singer, one of my first concerns was the voice but I was also thankful to be able to manage symptoms at home and that my family was spared the worst of it. I started singing again, probably too quickly after getting sick. Things seemed to be ok but the voice was never at 100% strength. This coupled with an odd cracking sound was alarming. Prior to this cracking was never an issue and immediately I thought it must be nodules. I delayed seeking help thinking resting and gargling and all these little things singers do could cure it. But it got to the place where I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I remember cryptically posting a little epitaph on Facebook of how ‘every note is a gift’.

In my first ENT consultation, we discovered I had vocal paresis which means that the nerve to my left vocal chord was damaged due to covid (although it’s possible with any viral infection). This time it wasn’t a matter of resting, vocal therapy and healing from a higher power were needed.

It was such a time of shame, fear, and resignation that maybe this time my blessings really had run out and it was the end of the road. It was not new to be afraid, I’m a sensitive, anxious person so the worry was part of life, perhaps it’s one of the reasons I cling so heavily to my faith, but the diagnosis was new.

The most healing words came from my voice therapist when she said, “This is not your fault. Nothing you could have done caused this.” The validation, the absolution from guilt was truly humbling, and again while I’ll state for the record that there are many vocal faults I am guilty of, hearing that the injury was beyond the scope of anything I had done was so freeing.

Faith is a big part of my life and I kept questioning God and asking what his plan for me was. I’d been here before, ready to give up, but someone that never seemed to be his will. Most times before little signs came quickly but this was different. It was a painful process, one step at a time, day by day. To share one of my favorite quotes from C.S Lewis’ Prince Caspian: “Things never happen the same way twice.”

When I was finally cleared to return to music lessons, I did so with this song, “The Mystery of Your Gift” and I cracked. And cracked. Cracked some more. My voice teacher, the incredible soprano Tami Petty, has always been a warm and affirming mentor. Still, I felt so exposed to be publically failing so terribly in front of her.

Throughout my life I have been a perfectionist, but not a good kind. Not just seeking continual improvement, of course, that, but also the type of perfectionism that prevents sharing. There were so many times I’d turn down singing because it wouldn’t be perfect. Videos/songs I wouldn’t share because the fear of humiliation was so great. Being judged unworthy hurt so bad it overpowered the greatest love I had… but then the injury happened and there I was, over Zoom singing the worst I ever had for someone I admired so greatly. After that call it was full breakdown mode but to share the lyrics of another favorite song by Caityln Smith:

We are crushed and created
We are melted and made
We are broken and built up, in the very same way
What I thought I could handle
What I thought I could take
What I thought would destroy me leaves me stronger in its wake

In the Bible it talks about God’s mercy being new each and every morning, “Great is your faithfulness” it says in Lamentations 3:22-23. God restores, he renews (Joel 2:25) and he is so patient with us.

When my therapist told me I was ready to manage on my own, it was both joyful and painful to say goodbye. She had given me great skills and kindness during that time and it felt good… but still the fear. I put off the ENT appointment because what if she was wrong and I needed surgery and?! Easier to avoid than getting that terrible news. But then I went.

Things will never be the same the ENT said, it’s like when you fall and scrape your knee and that scar remains. But I had healed enough that no surgery was needed, where a singing career could be real and he was happy. I was cleared to sing again without restrictions. Talk about breaking down but in the best way possible!

I’d like to say that since then, my faith has been strengthened and I’ve approached new fears and bad days (allergies, colds, getting covid again in December 2022) with nothing but positivity but that’s not true. Fear is my constant nemesis but I can say that more days than not now, hope wins. I use the tools my therapist gave me, I rest and trust that despite my failings in the words of Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman:

Something secondhand and broken still can make a pretty sound… I still have something beautiful to give.

My voice feels different these days, lighter, less constricted, and decidedly less operatic. I’m listening to Judy Collins, Jennifer LaMountain, and others and the delightful authenticity and speech quality is really appealing and suited to where I am now.

Online concerts have been a God send for me. My little “Unrehearsed” impromptu livestream series on Facebook was an incredible confidence booster. I still have a terrible fear of performing publically and refused to do so until my friend Olga pushed me to sing at her home. I then recorded “Mystery of Your Gift” in an Airbnb just to try things with a new engineer/producer, Ernie Hernandez, not sure if it would ever get a proper release or not but here we are.

Recently I was listening to the chapter “Talents” from Ellen G. White’s “Christ Object Lessons” about the famous story of the servants and talents in the Bible. The servants who invested their talents received more but the one who was too afraid to do anything with us ended up with none at all and that struck me in a new way. This talent, this mysterious gift must be shared, broken, and humble though it is. Otherwise, what’s the point? A light hidden under a bushel helps no one. It might be small and flickering but a light that can help one person find their way home.

This blog has taken a completely different turn than intended, I apologize but it has been therapeutic and hopefully helps you understand why “The Mystery of Your Gift” is important to me.

And the echoes of your melody will always live in these walls
And the lessons that you gave to me, before you can fly you must fall
So sing higher & higher, a thousand new voices ring through
If you sing out of the fire, the courage you need comes from you

Stream “The Mystery of Your Gift” on my brand new “Songs from the Heart” playlist.

P.S Stay tuned for Part 2 where I will discuss the pros and cons of releasing this single with the distribution platform, “Sound Drop.”

Natasha Barbieri, Editor

Editor

Creator of Classical Crossover Magazine. For Natasha music has always been closely tied to her faith. At age 18, Natasha made her opera debut playing the part of the mother in Menotti’s ‘Amahl and the Night Visitors’ with the Eastern Festival Opera. At 20, she was a winner of the 2011 Young Artist Competition at Andrews University. Natasha graduated in 2012 with a Bachelor’s of Music. Natasha has released a series of Holiday singles “A Place Called Home” (2020), “One Little Boy,” and “The Perfect Year” (2021). In 2021, she was nominated for the ‘Future Classic Women Awards’ show on Men’s & Women’s Radio Station. Natasha is the creator and editor of ‘Classical Crossover Magazine’ a venture that has allowed her to interview many of the top stars in the genre including Sarah Brightman, Celtic Woman, Mirusia, Paul Potts, and more. During the covid-19 pandemic, she created an online concert series for the magazine that has seen her perform in the same line-up as Alex Sharpe, Lucy Kay, Barbara Padilla, Classical Reflection, and more on the virtual stage. In 2022, Natasha was included on the charity album “Stars of Classical Crossover: Christmas” in benefit of the Wallace & Gromit Children’s Charity.